Car alarms

8 May

Dear person-who-lives-on-my-street-with-the-goddamn-car-alarm,

If you’re too stupid to figure out how to operate your car, you probably shouldn’t be driving.


Allergic to you. xo

Today’s topic: Car alarms.

Somehow my apartment building got plopped at the base of a very nice neighbourhood. Fancy schmancy houses, with fancy schmancy people and their fancy schmancy cars. That’s all fine and dandy.

Enter idiot whose car alarm goes off I know it’s the same person because it goes off at the exact same time on weekdays for the exact same length of time. I’m tempted to write a note similar to the above, possibly with the attachment of the manual that likely comes with the car, which I can almost guarantee is available online.

I mean, really, are your fingers too fat that you can’t press the unlock button on the remote without touching the probably bright red button with an alarm symbol?

Or is it that you want everyone to know that it’s time for you to get in your big honking SUV, because you are that important?

Did the manual come in Pig Latin and therefore you don’t understand it?

Have squirrels made a home beneath your car and you need to scare them away?

Are you waiting for your maid, nanny, gardener, chef, or a six year old child to show you how to operate your car?

Never fear, allergic to you is here!

Granted, I don’t own a car, but I definitely know how to operate one, because, well, I have one of those things… whadducallit? Oh, right, a brain.  Interestingly enough, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out.  Who knew?

What scares me the most is that this person is on the road.  As if we don’t have enough jerkoffs driving around, I envision this one driving everywhere in reverse, with the high beams and four-ways on at all times.

The next time it goes off (which by schedule should be 6.07am Monday morning), I plan to stand on my balcony and measure the distance to the car, hoping that it is close enough for me to reach via a grape juiced filled Super Soaker.

You: That’s pretty severe.

Me: I know, right.   You know what else is pretty severe? Being jolted awake from peaceful slumber to a car alarm every morning.


2 Responses to “Car alarms”

  1. Zana May 26, 2010 at 10:12 pm #

    I think you’re my hero.

    • silentorchestra May 27, 2010 at 10:31 pm #

      Ha! I think you may be crazy, but thanks!! 🙂

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