Tag Archives: bus

Teacher-like heels

10 May

Dear teacher-like heels,

You are not good for running to the bus. You are only good for face plants, and you know, that’s embarrassing in front of a bus load of people. Also, you are loud.

We’re broken up. It’s been a slice.

Maybe I should try these:

Or on second thought….

Love,

Allergic to you.xo

Moron #338

25 Feb

Dear Moron #338,

What the hell?! People like you should not be allowed to ride the bus.  Not only did you block the entire aisle by holding both of your arms up at the top of the poles on either side so all of us were squished to one side of the bus, your nasty-ass jacket was too short which then showed your hairy, giggly belly and your goddamn stained boxers. It’s bad enough that you wouldn’t budge when people asked you to, so instead they had to duck and crouch down under your rank smelling armpits, while at the same time trying really hard to weave around so as to not rub any part of them against you as if they were playing a live game of  Operation or Hot Potato.  One of these things just doesn’t belong, and it’s you. Next stop, my-fist-in-your-face-ville.

Love,

Allergic to you. xo

Moron #5671

23 Feb

Dear fellow bus riders,

It’s probably not a good idea to vandalize the bus when it is still in park in the station, you know? Just sayin’.

Love,

Allergic to you.xo

Sadly, this little snippet was the highlight of my yesterday (I know, get a life and such).

Picture this:

The bus is packed to the armpits, doors shut, prepared for take-off.

Moron #5671: <Runs to bus>

Passengers: <Stare blankly at moron>

Driver: <Does not open door for moron, begins to slowly take-off>

Moron #5671: <Bangs on bus, kicks bus, bangs on bus, kicks bus>

Driver: <Slams on breaks, passengers faces go flying into armpits (smelly, smelly armpits)>

Moron #5671: <Raises arms in a ‘what!’ motion>

Driver: <Screams through closed door> What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you loco? Huh? <makes crazy motion at head>

Moron #5671: <Yells multiple swears that no one can hear as the door is closed>

Driver: <Opens door> Did you just hit my fucking bus? Did you? Are you loco? Are you crazy? What is wrong with you?

Moron #5671: Ya, I hit your bus!

Me: <Trying extremely hard to contain amusement. Really, really hard>

Driver: Are admitting that you hit my vehicle?? Idiot! Do you want me to call the police?

Moron #5671: What?! No. Listen, I was running for the bus, waving and jumping, and then you just… took off.

Driver: Can you  not see this bus is full. There’s like 3 other buses behind me. What the hell is wrong with you?

Passengers: Hee hee hee. Ha ha ha.

Me: <Smiles>

Moron #5671: Well, maybe you should pay attention to your customers. Customer service!

Driver: What did I just tell you? Where would you even fit on this bus, smarty pants (nice touch).

Me: <Thinking, at this point, if I were Mr. Bus Driver, I would have said, ‘Here’s your customer service, and flipped him the bird>

Moron #5671: <Can’t think of anything intelligent to say, feeling defeated> Well! Uh… ya! like! LIKE! I was running!!!

Random Passenger: You go Forest. Run Forest, run!

Passengers: <Applaud>

Driver: <Steps up to moron’s face> DON’T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN. WAIT FOR THE NEXT GODDAMN BUS!!! YOU ARE VERY, VERY STUPID AND DANGEROUS!

Moron #5671: <Confused look> Ya, well, like, LIKE….

Driver: <Takes off like a bat out of hell>

Passengers: <Smile and are happy for the rest of the ride, and considerate to fellow riders (i.e. muttering words such as, excuse me, thank you and please)>

So that’s all it takes? A little vandalism, a little confrontation, a little yelling and screaming… and the passengers are happy!

Good to know.

Moron #460,336

7 Oct

Dear Moron #460,336,

Next time you laugh hysterically at the fact that the bus driver won’t let me on the fifth bus that has passed because it’s too damn full of your hipster teenage dropout buddies, I will not hesitate to do a jigg on your foot with my impressively sharp teacher-like heels. True story.

Love,

Allergic to you. xo

– Over and out –

 

PDE (via public transit)

5 Aug

Dear Public Transit Riders,

Smelling, watching and listening to you eat makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

*Slap!*

Love,

Allergic to you. xo

So, let’s start from the beginning.

PDE:  Public Displays of Eating.

You: Geez, people need to eat, you know.

Me: Thanks for clearing that up. You didn’t let me finish…

I’m aware that people need to eat.  It just so happens that I am included in that group.  Who knew?

Now here comes the ‘but’…

BUT:

a) There’s a reason some meals are meant to be consumed at this thing they invented a while back.  Hmmm… whadducallit?  A table? Right.  This way, all of that mess that is currently all over your face, shirt and pants, would fall back nicely into place onto your plate and/or table.  I know it’s a hard concept to grasp, but I’m pretty sure you can get there eventually.  Good luck.

b) I’d prefer (as I’m sure some of my fellow transit riders would agree) not to see the contents of what is in your mouth. Didn’t your mommy teach you manners?

c) Some time ago there was a study that found our transit system to be more contaminated than a public toilet. That being said, I would never eat on it, but hey, that’s just me.  On top of that (I’m sure I’ve mentioned this one, two, three, or fifty times already), I would never eat a chip, touch the pole, eat a chip, lick my fingers, touch the pole, eat a chip, lick my fingers, touch the pole. Watching this offends me on so many levels, I sometimes have to talk myself out of projectile vomitting.  Do you know how many people touch that pole on a daily basis?  Do you seriously believe that pole is cleaned daily? Would you rather just lick the pole, or hey, might as well lick a public toliet seat because according to the study, you’re probably better off.

You: You’ve really thought this through.

Me: Thank-you captain obvious.

So, to summarize, if you find yourself participating in any of the above, don’t be surpised if random chunks of vomit fly your way, courtesty of yours truly.

Over and out.

%d bloggers like this: