Tag Archives: moron

Moron #338

25 Feb

Dear Moron #338,

What the hell?! People like you should not be allowed to ride the bus.  Not only did you block the entire aisle by holding both of your arms up at the top of the poles on either side so all of us were squished to one side of the bus, your nasty-ass jacket was too short which then showed your hairy, giggly belly and your goddamn stained boxers. It’s bad enough that you wouldn’t budge when people asked you to, so instead they had to duck and crouch down under your rank smelling armpits, while at the same time trying really hard to weave around so as to not rub any part of them against you as if they were playing a live game of  Operation or Hot Potato.  One of these things just doesn’t belong, and it’s you. Next stop, my-fist-in-your-face-ville.

Love,

Allergic to you. xo

Advertisements

Papercuts

3 Feb

Dear moron who consequently forced another moron to give yours truly a fabulous papercut,

Not only did you continue to fondle me even though I kept moving so you had more room to read your stupid book, you swung around on the pole like the high-class subway stripper that you are and knocked me into that other moron who doesn’t understand the concept of personal space.  Thanks for that.  Since I had no time to react, I had to use other moron’s stupid book to break my fall so I could avoid my face being smothered in her crotch, which resulted in one bitch of a  papercut. Instead of knocking you over head with the much deserved overpriced bottle of Pinot Noir that was in my bag, I strategically pulled your high-class subway stripper pole move back on you as I left the train, knowing that my bag that carried that overpriced bottle of wine would whack your kneecap. To avoid this type of random violence in the future, please attend my new seminar, “Idiot’s Guide to Public Transit Etiquette” (also known as “Seriously?”).

Love,

Allergic to you. xo

Moron #451

12 Jan

Dear people who have yet to read,  ‘Cell Phone Etiquette for Dummies’,

Please proceed to page 3, section 1.2.  It states:

Hey asshole! If you’re going to place your phone on your desk and you don’t have an actual office with a door that can be closed and whatnot, use your genius brain and try the brand new exciting cell phone features, such as, vibrate (ooooh!) and silent (aaahhh!), or at last resort, reject the call.  I mean, come on.  Once every blue moon is accidental.  Twenty-seven times a day is ludicrous. It’s no longer 1991, you aren’t Zack Morris (I think), and I’m pretty positive that I’m not the only one who wants to shove that annoying default ringtone down your throat.

Love,

Allergic to you. xo

It’s my face and I’ll smile if I want to…

3 Sep

Dear Moron #986, 472 and other random strangers who feel the need to stop me in public and tell me to ‘smile’,

Really? Do you walk around with a perma-smile? Say that again and the next time you smile it will be without those pearly whites.

Love,

Allergic to you. xo

I have a hard time comprehending why people feel the need to do this. I don’t go up to complete strangers and say,

“Hey, your hairpiece looks like a monkey carcass.’

or,

“Hey, your lips look like botox gone bad.”

or,

“Hey, your face looks like an elephant’s ass.”

It’s my face and I’ll smile if I want to.

Seriously.

You: Maybe they are trying to gently tell you something.

Me: Maybe they should gently shut up. I could care less what random strangers think of me and how they feel if I may or may not smile.

So, dear moron, it’s this easy: If you don’t like my face, don’t look.  And please don’t feel obliged to tell me you don’t like my face, or you’ll be cruisin’ for a bruisin’.

%d bloggers like this: