Tag Archives: transit

Teacher-like heels

10 May

Dear teacher-like heels,

You are not good for running to the bus. You are only good for face plants, and you know, that’s embarrassing in front of a bus load of people. Also, you are loud.

We’re broken up. It’s been a slice.

Maybe I should try these:

Or on second thought….

Love,

Allergic to you.xo

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It’s a christmas miracle!!

8 Mar

This just in:

Man gives girl seat on subway in rush hour, girl nearly dies from shock.

Dear random man who gave me his hot commodity (that’s a subway seat, people… get your mind out of the gutter),

It’s a christmas miracle!!! Yeah, it’s a few months late, but hey, I’ll take what I can get. If you didn’t have a ring on I probably would have jumped you. Thank you for your seat and temporarily restoring my faith in humanity.

Love,

Allergic to you.xo

Big league chewers

7 Mar

Dear gum chewers of planet earth,

Trust me, as a gum connoisseur, I appreciate the wonder of its chewy, bubble-blowin’, sugary fabulousness… but really, must I see your tonsils and directly into your esophagus while mistaking the sounds coming from your mouth as those of an elderly person going to town on a jar of peanut butter without their dentures? I mean, come on now. I know it’s hard to be an adult, but you might want to consider trying a teeny bit harder, so as to avoid looking like a moderately unbalanced farm animal (at least in public).

Love,

Allergic to you.xo

Moron #338

25 Feb

Dear Moron #338,

What the hell?! People like you should not be allowed to ride the bus.  Not only did you block the entire aisle by holding both of your arms up at the top of the poles on either side so all of us were squished to one side of the bus, your nasty-ass jacket was too short which then showed your hairy, giggly belly and your goddamn stained boxers. It’s bad enough that you wouldn’t budge when people asked you to, so instead they had to duck and crouch down under your rank smelling armpits, while at the same time trying really hard to weave around so as to not rub any part of them against you as if they were playing a live game of  Operation or Hot Potato.  One of these things just doesn’t belong, and it’s you. Next stop, my-fist-in-your-face-ville.

Love,

Allergic to you. xo

Ass-jigs

17 Dec

Dear person who felt it was acceptable to perform an ass-jig against me on transit,

Gross.  Just because I’m double-decker sandwiched between 27 thousand people in a frozen standstill to the point where I am unable to turn my head one millimetre in any direction, does not mean you have full access to rub your butt back and forth against my side to relieve your persistent itch and/or practice your island dance moves. I mean, really? This is unacceptable human behaviour. Please return promptly to planet ass-jig.

Love,

Allergic to you. xo

The house that you wear on your back

9 Dec

Dear complete morons on transit who refuse to take off your backpack that is the size and weight of a fucking hippopotamus,

Stay in school, genius, you need it.  I’m unsure of why you need to stuff your pack  with what seems like either a dead body or five bowling balls and then fling yourself around like some kind of medieval backpack warrior on a mission to destroy the numerous random body parts of your fellow riders.

And yes, I did push you on purpose when you sandwiched me between the door and the house that you wear on your back, that by the way needs a good washing because it tastes like peanut butter and I know this because you smothered me, and before I knew it part of it was touching my lips and then you rammed it multiple times in my face possibly just incase I didn’t get a taste the first time.

In conclusion, if the thing on your back is the size of a refrigerator, for the love of god, do us all a favour, ignite your pea brain for a split second, put that education to use, and take it off.

Love,

Allergic to you. xo

 

Shove this

24 Nov

Dear jerkbots who think shoving and pushing will speed things up for you on transit,

FYI: I will stop dead in my tracks and not budge just to spite you while sporting an attractive ‘wanna fight about it’ expression. True story.

Love,

Allergic to you. xo

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